shani4jc

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord

Posted on: 7-15-112015

One of the scariest days of my life was when my oldest daughter was born.  I had been in labor for quite some time when the doctor decided to go ahead and break my water.  Up until this point, my daughter’s heartbeat was strong and she seemed to be doing fine.  Once my water broke, however, we knew immediately she was in trouble.  Her heart stopped beating completely.  I could tell just by the look on my doctor’s face that something was terribly wrong.  She quickly tried to reposition me to see if that helped, but still, no heartbeat.  She began ordering the nurses to prep me for a C-section.  I was trying to remain calm, but the fact that my baby still didn’t have a heartbeat terrified me.  Everything around me seemed to be happening at lightning speed, but also in slow motion. I was trying to do exactly what they told me, as they rushed me to the operating room.  I remember thinking that I should pray, but the only thing I could mutter was “God, please help!”  As we entered the operating room, I remember the doctor saying that we had to get the baby out NOW.  I wondered how long it had actually been since my baby’s heart had stopped.  I remember trying so hard to fight the anesthesia because I didn’t want to go to sleep with my baby in trouble, and it worked for whatever they gave me in the IV because I wouldn’t go under.  Finally, they administered sodium penathol and it was lights out.  My husband told me that the doctor was cutting even before I went out because she said she couldn’t wait any longer.  When I came to in the recovery room, I somehow just knew that my baby was okay and I knew that it was a girl.  Even though I knew it, I was still so relieved when I saw my husband’s face.  I could tell by the ear-to-ear grin that everything was okay.  I couldn’t do anything but cry and thank God for helping her.  I knew that He had saved her and I was so grateful.  Many times in those first few days, I just stared at her in amazement and praised Him for being a good God.  I often wonder how I would’ve reacted if, in His infinite wisdom, He had chosen for her not to live.  I wonder if I would’ve been able to praise Him in the deepest hurt I could ever imagine.  Even though my children are now grown, the thought of something happening to one of them is devastating.  If I allow myself to think about it too long, I am overwhelmed to the point of barely being able to breathe.  So, I still ask myself how I would react if God, in His infinite wisdom, allowed something to happen to one of them.  I wish that I could say that I would react as Job did when all of his children died in one split second and just fall to my knees and praise God, but I can’t.  I wish that I could say that I wouldn’t be angry at God, but I can’t.  I wish that I could say that I wouldn’t questions God’s plans, but I can’t.  I’m just not there yet.  I know that God is good and that ultimately His plans are perfect, but I also know that sometimes His plans hurt.  I know that sometimes we cannot understand His plans and how they will work out in our favor because we are so broken we can barely take our next breath.  I know that sometimes His plans seem like they will destroy us.  I know all of these things because I have experienced those plans that shatter our hearts into a million pieces. And because I have experienced those heart shattering plans, I do know that God has never failed me. I know that ultimately, His plans do work for my good.  I know that He is faithful to me through it all.  Any doubts I have regarding how God works are solely based on my lack of faith, never on who He is or what He does.  God loves us and wants the very best for us.  His plans are always for our good and never for our destruction.  We just have to trust Him, even when it’s hard.

“Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshipped.  And he said, ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:20-21

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